Philip Rivers Grants Wish

by Unfrozen Caveman Law Writer

From the Archives: In honor of my least favorite quarterback in the NFL, I thought I’d recycle this article I wrote for a sports humor website a couple of years ago. I was inspired to write it after Philip Rivers taunted a bunch of Indy fans during the 2008 NFL Playoffs. Since the Colts and Chargers are the top two seeds in the AFC, maybe history will repeat itself this year?

Eight-year old Timmy McCormick was suffering from cancer and was told he had about year to live. He was in terrible pain and could barely muster the energy to get out of bed, let alone go outside to play with his friends. The only time he spent out of bed was to go to the bathroom to throw up, a side-effect of his chemotherapy. Timmy was depressed and in low spirits. He had lost all of his hair. He had no friends to play with. He had almost no shot at survival. Timmy did not have much to live for and both he and his family knew it.

The only time he seemed to be able to forget his pain and be happy was when he watched his beloved San Diego Chargers play football. His parents signed him up with the Make-A-Wish Foundation and Timmy, a loyal San Diego Chargers fan, only had one wish. He wanted to spend a day with the quarterback of the Chargers – his idol, Drew Brees.

Unfortunately, because of a long waiting list, as well as a backlog of wishes, Brees had signed with New Orleans by the time that Timmy’s wish request was processed. Timmy, still wanted to hang out with San Diego’s quarterback. So he readily agreed when the Make-A-Wish Foundation offered to send Philip Rivers. The Chargers quarterback met up with Timmy a few weeks ago in order to fulfill the boy’s wish. He came to Timmy’s house and gave Timmy some autographed balls, helmets, and jerseys. He also posed for some pictures with Timmy and threw the ball around with him in the backyard. However, what started as a joyous meeting between a young boy and his football role model quickly turned sour.

“It started when they were throwing the ball around,” Robert McCormick, Timmy’s father said. “Timmy dropped a few passes from Philip and Philip started talking trash and yelling at Timmy. He was going ‘Yeah baby! You can’t handle that tight spiral! You can’t handle that heat! What’s the matter? Too much butter on those fingers, punk?!’ It was kind of weird and it made all of us feel really uncomfortable.”

The inappropriateness continued as Rivers and Timmy sat down and had lunch. Nicole McCormick, Timmy’s mother, had spent a lot of time and effort into preparing a fancy lunch in anticipation of Rivers’ arrival.

“Nicole had spent most of the last few days getting everything ready. She called Philip’s assistant to see what kinds of food he liked. She had marinated a bunch of steaks. She had picked fresh tomatoes from the garden. She had spent hours squeezing oranges to make fresh juice. She really went all out,” Robert recalled.

“So what does Philip do? He starts talking more trash. He goes: ‘This food tastes worse than the crap they serve at Sizzler! My dog can prepare food better than this! How do you like that bitch!’ He then started running around the table whooping it up like a maniac. I thought that was completely uncalled for.”

However, the final straw was when Rivers and Timmy sat down to play videogames.

“Timmy was beating Philip in ‘Madden 2008′ and Philip was clearly angry,” Robert recounted. “Philip came back and tied the game, and immediately started taunting Timmy and screaming in his face. He was pointing at Timmy and gesturing obscenely to his crotch. Kind of like what those WWE wrestlers do. He also kept saying ‘You don’t know jack about football! Go ahead and keep throwing deep when I’m in Cover-Two. I’ll pick you off all day baby! All day!’ I don’t know what he was getting so excited for or why he was so proud of himself. I mean, you play football for a living. Of course you’re going to understand the plays better.”

Timmy then put in “Guitar Hero 3,” presumably as a way to calm things down. However, that game only served to fire up Rivers even more. “He beat Timmy in a head-to-head showdown on ZZ Top’s ‘La Grange’ and it was the same old stuff. Philip had built up a huge lead and took the last few bars off, even stopping to wave goodbye at Timmy while Timmy struggled with the notes,” Robert said, shaking his head in disappointment. “Philip then went into the one-on-one challenge with Slash and got his butt kicked. Philip couldn’t handle it and smashed the guitar. I couldn’t believe it.”

“He needs to grow up,” Nicole said, simply shaking her head.

When reached for comment, Rivers’ assistant said: ”Philip is a competitive guy. He’s at his best when he’s fired up. That’s who he is and that’s why his teammates love him so much.” Rivers did not respond to our request for an interview. However, he did bring up the fact that the author had never won a Pulitzer or any other prize for journalism.

“It’s not so bad,” Rivers’ assistant said. “It’s not like he went on vacation to Mexico with his girlfriend and her overprotective parents the week before a playoff game.”

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